Why Some Parents Suck: A Reflection on Therapy

I have restrained myself when it comes to writing about my job, because I don't want to give people the wrong impression - I really do love my job. But......today I need to vent. After working in both the teaching field and now in the therapy field, I suspect I should no longer be "shocked" by the amazingly horrible insight many parents possess (or should I say, the lack of insight) - that they do not often equate their own actions and behaviors with the actions and behaviors of their children; let it be said, however, that I still find myself AMAZED. And so I provide you with a top 10 list of parental stupidity - and let me remind you that I actually do work with many amazing families and will provide a top 10 list of parental awesomeness in a later post (all names have been changed for privacy and HIPAA's sake):

10) Parent to me in a recent session, whilst child was sitting in the next chair over: "If Jonny would just stop throwing tantrums our family could have fun again."

9) Child in foster care is waiting in the lobby with her foster parent for her biological mother to arrive for our session (court-ordered, mind you) - with face pressed against the glass, watching. Mom never did show.

8) Young Gavin is explaining that his dad frequently yells at him and his brother during their bi-weekly visits and he doesn't like it when his dad yells. Sara: "What do you do when Anger bothers you and your dad and makes him yell?" Gavin: "I hide in the closet."

7) Paternal aunt, who has custody of young James, is taking her custody battle with James' father to court. Aunt clearly loves James, but is incapable of allowing the course of therapy to flow naturally. Dad, by the way, has made huge changes and is a "fit" parent. James to me: "Dad makes me scared." Sara: "How does he do that?" James: "I don't know..." Sara: "Do you have someone to talk to when Worry gets too big?" James: "I talk to mom (aunt)." Sara: "Did you talk to her when dad made you scared?" James: "Yes" Sara: "What did she say?" James: "I can't remember what she told me to tell you...." Hmmmmm...

6) An angry dad says to me: "I read through your session notes with my son, and all you talk about is what my ex-wife says, I started to wonder if you knew her from before, like she was your friend and that's why she brought Tyson to see you." "Ummm, no," I replied, "that would be unethical of me." Dad: "Well, I'm gonna have to ask my lawyer to strike all of your notes." Honestly, be my guest....

5) Meth-user mom in her drug-induced state, allowed numerous tweakers free reign in her home. My client, the oldest of her 6 children, all from different men, warned her mom that she felt like the house was likely being watched by the police; mom did nothing to change her ways. Now mom is in prison for 24-months on drug-related charges, and all 6 kids are with her mother. Delaney tells me that mom frequently "blames" her for her current situation saying, "You should have tried harder to convince me that the house was being watched - it's your fault I'm in jail."

4) Thirteen year-old-Amanda, during our second session, begins to cry uncontrollably and sputters out, "It's my fault that my parents got divorced."

3) Brenna, who was raped by a drug-pusher who drunken mom allowed in to the house, was told by mom: "I don't believe you, Brenna, you're such a liar. Go back to bed."

2) Angela, age nine, tells me: "I don't ever want to see my mom again, or talk to her - if she calls I'm just going to say 'hi' and 'bye'." Sara: "Why?" Angela: "Because she hurt me - she beat me with a belt and a wooden paddle." This same child drew a picture to show me what Dad had done to "hurt" the family, because she was too embarrassed to tell me - this picture depicted Dad choking Mom.

1) Allison, age 16, tells me that after her parents split she decided to go live at Dad's house. Dad allowed Allison to use drugs, including ecstasy. He proceeded to "sell" Allison while she was in an altered state, allowing numerous men to take advantage of her. Allison, who survived the ordeal, now sees no reason to have relationships, not with men, women, or her own mother.

I don't share these atrocious stories to make you all "sick", but rather to reaffirm the strength of the human spirit and the resiliency of children. I am extremely grateful for my faith and for the power of prayer, which sustain me when I am just plain "sad" for the lives many of my clients must live, daily:

[God says], do not fear, for I am with you;do not be dismayed, for I am your God.I will strengthen you and help you;I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isaiah 41:10

What is my purpose in life, what is my responsibility?

Whether I like it or not, I am on this planet

and it is far better to do something for humanity.

So you see that compassion is the seed or basis.

If we take care to foster compassion,

we will see that it brings the other good human qualities.

The topic of compassion is not at all religious business;

it is very important to know that it is human business

that it is a question of human survival

that is not a question of human luxury....

It is clear that even without religion we can manage.

However, without these basic human qualities we cannot survive.

It is a question of our own peace and mental stability. - The Dalai Lama

H-O-L-L-A! A Shout Out to my Hubby

I am increasingly amazed by the fact that my husband, Scott, fills each of his various roles with such aplomb, despite the fact that they are all increasingly wearing on his time and energy. Therefore, I have decided that he needs an entire posting dedicated to his awesomeness.

Husband:

As our 5th wedding anniversary rapidly approaches, Scott and I have had several opportunities to reminisce about the series of oddly-related circumstances that brought us together (which I will save for a later post). For the purposes of this blog, I want to expound on only one of those cirucumstances: that when Scott and I met he was a mere 8 months post-operative on his brain tumour. This is a fact that we have mutually agreed did not lend itself to the most physically-fit, nor physically attractive stage of Scott's lifetime - he was doughy, pasty, and what we refer to lovingly as a "cave fish" - bottom line, he was not healthy. I didn't really want anything to do with him, not because of the health issues, but because I knew that the wheedling biddies in our ward would attempt to "push" us together. Scott, with all of his cunning savvy did not wait for their "help" and caught me off-guard and unprepared with an excuse to avoid his first invitation to do something together. What I found out that first evening was that none of my posturing about being "sick of dating" or effusive sarcasm could put him off - he was nothing if not patient and gracious as he listened to me ramble on and on. I congratulated myself about getting through the date and planned my escape in to the house, but again, Scott caught me off-guard on the porch by asking me out for the next night. Drat! I had no ready excuse and so I found myself out to dinner with the 'boy next door', once again, talking and ruminating about hopeless and pathetic roommates. And so the pattern continued, I resolved to be 'done' with Scott, and he persisted in asking....soon I discovered that I genuinely liked spending time with my "cave fish". Scott proved himself to be gracious, entertaining, wickedly smart, able to talk about any subject, inquisitive, guileless, genuine, gentle, and he listened....I mean he really cared about what I said. I found myself intrigued, then drawn to his presence, and finally, GASP, in love. I am grateful to Scott for proving to me that love was not just for "other people".

Massage Therapist:

If you see what I see, you see a slab of fleshy-flesh....not something I would want to touch. If you see what Scott sees, you see a maze of muscles and ligaments tight with tension that yearn for the right pressure and touch so that they "melt" and the client is afforded some relief. I could not do what Scott does every day, and yet he brings people rest and relaxation. Rightly so, many of his clients have promised their "first born" if he will only run away with them and become their personal massage therapist (that's right, 'masseuse' is not an appropriate title - think Thailand, and you will know what I mean). Anyway, although tempted, he has not succumbed to any client's nefarious offers, for which I am grateful. Instead, he consistently brings relief to clients who have just lost a spouse, are recovering from a grave illness, or just need a break from life. No matter how smelly, talkative, or crazy they are, they are treated with respect; and that's why they keep coming back for more.

Student:

Many of you know that Scott recently returned to school, and after an arduous struggle to decide what he would study, Scott decided on respiratory therapy. Truth be told, Scott would love to study music, and in a different time and place, you would have seen Scott perform on the most heralded stages in the most prestigious performance halls around the world. But what distinguishes Scott even more than his amazing musical talents, is his willingness to sacrifice for his future family. After much discussion and consideration, Scott is pursuing a career that will still allow him to serve people in need, while earning our family more money, and providing him a more consistent schedule. Scott currently gets up every morning at 6:00 am and leaves our home by 7:00, afterwhich he commutes for an hour to PIMA where he attends class for 4 hours. He follows this class time with work, often not returning home until another hour-long commute at 9:00, and then he repeats the whole process again the next day. I love him for his sacrifice and his diligence.

Musician:

Scott and his best friend, Chris Chappel, formed a group back in high school named Mosaic - as part of this experience they released two compact discs and performed at various locales around home and in the Los Angeles area (I'm their number one fan - and I have the T-shirt to prove it). Recently Scott and Chris "are getting the band back together" and it will be the new, and improved version: Mosaic 2.0. However, they are renaming the group, and not Prince-style with the symbol, instead they will relaunch at the end of this month as "Killing Thursby". Not only has Scott impressed legions of fans with his amazing ability to "tickle the ivories" but his vocals, too, have blessed the lives of many people. I marvel at his gift to write moving and intriguing lyrics - all of the lyrics on their new album were written by Scott. I am overjoyed that Scott and Chris have rediscovered their muse and want to make sweet, sweet music again. They are an incomparable fusion of talent.

Bottom line - I'm grateful to share life's journey with my husband, Scott!

Cuckoo for CTR: A Farewell

When Scott and I moved in to our current ward back in May, I was excited for the "fresh start" and the opportunity to meet new people. In all honesty, I was actually excited to receive a new calling - I always look forward to the anticipation and excitement of finding out what the bishop feels we either "need" to do, or where we might be "needed". But I must also confess that I have often struggled over the years to understand the callings I receive and how I might "need" a calling or why I am "needed". In all honesty, it is my pride that often gets in the way of truly accepting the calling on its base merit, but instead questioning, always questioning. In an irony that doesn't escape me, I always seem to be asked to fulfill a calling that requires me to do something eerily similar to my professional job. For example, when Scott and I first started dating, I had just started teaching, we were called to teach a primary class full of munchkin-terrorists. After we were married, despite my telling the Bishop that I had previously served in several "teaching-type" callings, a month later I found myself teaching the teenage-Sunday-school class. And at BYU, after I purposely left my piano skills off of my "personal information" forms, I was called to play the piano in my wards the first three years of my college experience.

So it should come as no surprise that when Scott and I were asked to co-teach the CTR 5 primary class, I was, well, kind of disappointed. I work as a family and children's therapist and found the prospect of not just working with troubled kids 5 days a week, now I was going to work with "troubled" kids 7 days a week (yes, I'm calling 4-year-olds "troubled"). My reluctance was compounded by the fact that Scott works on Sundays and I knew I would be corralling a class of 8-10 kids on my own. I will admit that Scott and I wearily faced the prospect of making pom-pom pets for a lesson on Loving Animals, or glueing and stapling Truth Glasses, on Saturday nights. Equally daunting was knowing that nearly my entire class would declare that they needed to "go potty" at least once during our class. Needless to say, I didn't always "like" what I was doing on Sunday...it sometimes felt like I was running a Christian daycare. But over time their cherubic faces, and hilarious statements wore me down and I had to admit to myself that I had grown to love my "kids". So I give you my top-ten moments from the Fruitland Ward Primary's CTR 5 class:

10) Little William pulling on my skirt and handing me a cheap plastic-jewel earring worn by a fellow classmate: "Teacher, she lost part of her costume." (Not quite sure when we started wearing "costumes" to church).

9) Sean, child of a recent convert, taking the much labored-over Truth Glasses as they were passed out in order to be colored. When I turned around and saw he was not working on coloring I asked where his glasses were and he said matter-of-factly: "I dropped them out the window."

8) Sean, while trying to draw the attention of his classmates, robot-voice-repeating: "Pee-pee, poo-poo," while foaming at the mouth.

7) Scott, on a rare day of being able to help in the class, tried to hustle the kids through finishing up their coloring on a project. William whined, "I'm not done yet," to which Scott replied pointedly, "Well, maybe if you hadn't spent so much time building a sword with your markers, you could have finished earlier." William promptly burst into tears. (Nice touch, right?)

6) Jenny, a frequent vistor to her grandma who lives in the ward, showed-up to primary with lipstick smeared around her mouth, smudged blue eye shadow, and overwhelmingly POWERFUL cheap perfume and asks, "Do you like my make-up, my grandma did it?" "I love it," I replied.

5) Owen refusing to sing during Sharing Time, to which I struck upon an ingenious idea and I prompted him, "How about you sing the next song like Wall-E." I was blessed, the very next song to hear, "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus," in robot-kid-voice.

4) Owen saying to Scott, "Watch me, " and then falling off of his chair.

3) When asking the class why Jesus wouldn't just come back to earth in a perfect form, if He had the power to do so, Dylan replied without hesitation: "Because He wanted them to know it was Him." (So Smart!)

2) After giving the class child-sized CTR reminder bracelets and explaining that they are waterproof, Jessica breathlessly exclaims: "I'm never going to take it off."

1) Owen returned after a two-week family vacation and I reminded him during Sharing Time that he hadn't been in class for awhile and I had missed him. Later, in class while I was teaching the lesson, Owen raised his hand and queried, "Sara?" - "Yes, Owen?" - "I missed you." (You had me at "hello")

And so it is with some sadness I will be released from this calling in the next two weeks, and so I bid a fond adieu to my class:

Sorry, no pictures of Sean, William, Briah, or Jenny were "captured" while in their "natural habitat".

New Year's Eve Fun with Sara and Scott

It's a Holly-Jolly Christmas

Scott and I have decided that it's difficult to approximate the Christmas traditions of childhood when it's only the two of you - which makes for a rather stark, sometimes-odd, and unusually short Christmas morning. We definitely recognize that the "fun" of having children around this Christmas season was missed, however, it was still not enough of an excuse to drive us toward procreation.....or adoption.....yet.....sorry, family. Despite the lack of presents, Scott and I were able to find ways to invite the Christmas spirit in to our lives. Again this year, like last year, we adopted a family that wasn't able to provide presents for their children - two girls ages 6 and 8. We had little information to go on, other than that the older girl loved Hannah Montana and High School Musical; while the younger loved Disney Princesses. We had fun shopping for the girls, and despite my inherent general distaste for all things HM and HSM-related, I put my own feelings aside and went to work. Both girls got two cute outfits, one nicer, and one casual - Scott was a 'good sport' about shopping for girl-clothes, and generally deferred to my judgment. But we both scratched our heads when we got to the toy aisles - apparently it has been too long for me since I was a 6 or 8-year old girl, and never, for Scott - but we muddled through. We also got each girl a backpack, socks, hair accessories, and a toy; needless to say, we had a lot of fun, and we were so happy we could make a child's Christmas enjoyable.

For ourselves, we decided to keep things low-key. We enjoyed having Scott's family over to our place to celebrate Christmas Eve....another one of the three or four-yearly excuses for me to bust-out my culinary skills: ham, rolls, sweet potatoes, salad (a recipe we recreated from the Cheesecake Factory), and all the accumulated Christmas treats. Me, Scott, Scott's parents, and his sister, Jen, enjoyed reminiscing about Christmases past and sharing thoughts about the birth of Jesus Christ - it is unfortunate that we often have to wait until the Christmas season to verbally express our love for the Savior.

On Christmas morning, we woke up late - to be honest, sleeping in was a nice gift to ourselves. We exchanged a few simple gifts and then I surprised Scott with a mutually-beneficial gift: a Blu-Ray player. We spent a few hours testing out how it worked - we've never seen Sleeping Beauty look so amazing before. Finally, we joined Scott's family at their home, and opened a few more gifts. Scott's parents got us a few fun gifts, including gift cards to some of our most-frequented local restaurants.

Scott opens a few presents.

Sara displays a new kitchen gadget.
After a while, Christmas prep takes a toll on everyone. We did, however, enjoy the Christmas-dinner fiesta that Mom prepared for us, and our satisfied tummies jiggled with laughter as we watched Mr. Bean's Christmas, a Hinckley family tradition. It was a wonderful holiday!