Why Some Parents Suck: A Reflection on Therapy

I have restrained myself when it comes to writing about my job, because I don't want to give people the wrong impression - I really do love my job. But......today I need to vent. After working in both the teaching field and now in the therapy field, I suspect I should no longer be "shocked" by the amazingly horrible insight many parents possess (or should I say, the lack of insight) - that they do not often equate their own actions and behaviors with the actions and behaviors of their children; let it be said, however, that I still find myself AMAZED. And so I provide you with a top 10 list of parental stupidity - and let me remind you that I actually do work with many amazing families and will provide a top 10 list of parental awesomeness in a later post (all names have been changed for privacy and HIPAA's sake):

10) Parent to me in a recent session, whilst child was sitting in the next chair over: "If Jonny would just stop throwing tantrums our family could have fun again."

9) Child in foster care is waiting in the lobby with her foster parent for her biological mother to arrive for our session (court-ordered, mind you) - with face pressed against the glass, watching. Mom never did show.

8) Young Gavin is explaining that his dad frequently yells at him and his brother during their bi-weekly visits and he doesn't like it when his dad yells. Sara: "What do you do when Anger bothers you and your dad and makes him yell?" Gavin: "I hide in the closet."

7) Paternal aunt, who has custody of young James, is taking her custody battle with James' father to court. Aunt clearly loves James, but is incapable of allowing the course of therapy to flow naturally. Dad, by the way, has made huge changes and is a "fit" parent. James to me: "Dad makes me scared." Sara: "How does he do that?" James: "I don't know..." Sara: "Do you have someone to talk to when Worry gets too big?" James: "I talk to mom (aunt)." Sara: "Did you talk to her when dad made you scared?" James: "Yes" Sara: "What did she say?" James: "I can't remember what she told me to tell you...." Hmmmmm...

6) An angry dad says to me: "I read through your session notes with my son, and all you talk about is what my ex-wife says, I started to wonder if you knew her from before, like she was your friend and that's why she brought Tyson to see you." "Ummm, no," I replied, "that would be unethical of me." Dad: "Well, I'm gonna have to ask my lawyer to strike all of your notes." Honestly, be my guest....

5) Meth-user mom in her drug-induced state, allowed numerous tweakers free reign in her home. My client, the oldest of her 6 children, all from different men, warned her mom that she felt like the house was likely being watched by the police; mom did nothing to change her ways. Now mom is in prison for 24-months on drug-related charges, and all 6 kids are with her mother. Delaney tells me that mom frequently "blames" her for her current situation saying, "You should have tried harder to convince me that the house was being watched - it's your fault I'm in jail."

4) Thirteen year-old-Amanda, during our second session, begins to cry uncontrollably and sputters out, "It's my fault that my parents got divorced."

3) Brenna, who was raped by a drug-pusher who drunken mom allowed in to the house, was told by mom: "I don't believe you, Brenna, you're such a liar. Go back to bed."

2) Angela, age nine, tells me: "I don't ever want to see my mom again, or talk to her - if she calls I'm just going to say 'hi' and 'bye'." Sara: "Why?" Angela: "Because she hurt me - she beat me with a belt and a wooden paddle." This same child drew a picture to show me what Dad had done to "hurt" the family, because she was too embarrassed to tell me - this picture depicted Dad choking Mom.

1) Allison, age 16, tells me that after her parents split she decided to go live at Dad's house. Dad allowed Allison to use drugs, including ecstasy. He proceeded to "sell" Allison while she was in an altered state, allowing numerous men to take advantage of her. Allison, who survived the ordeal, now sees no reason to have relationships, not with men, women, or her own mother.

I don't share these atrocious stories to make you all "sick", but rather to reaffirm the strength of the human spirit and the resiliency of children. I am extremely grateful for my faith and for the power of prayer, which sustain me when I am just plain "sad" for the lives many of my clients must live, daily:

[God says], do not fear, for I am with you;do not be dismayed, for I am your God.I will strengthen you and help you;I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isaiah 41:10

What is my purpose in life, what is my responsibility?

Whether I like it or not, I am on this planet

and it is far better to do something for humanity.

So you see that compassion is the seed or basis.

If we take care to foster compassion,

we will see that it brings the other good human qualities.

The topic of compassion is not at all religious business;

it is very important to know that it is human business

that it is a question of human survival

that is not a question of human luxury....

It is clear that even without religion we can manage.

However, without these basic human qualities we cannot survive.

It is a question of our own peace and mental stability. - The Dalai Lama