Remembering Mom

Before my mother died, I did not understand grief the same way that I understand it now nearly five years after her death. When I considered the possibility of losing a family member, I assumed that I would be laid so low by my sadness and grief that I would be incapable of functioning. However, when you have a loss forced upon you, confronting you with the audacity of its reality, you have a choice - to give yourself over to the grief, or force open your eyes to the new day. The resiliency that I discovered, and that I observed each of my family members cling to in those first few days and weeks following Mom's death, was an impossibility that my untested mind had refused to conceive of...it was truly a miracle. As a family therapist, I have seen grief work itself in to the very fiber of people's existence, controlling every action they take, and shifting the tempo of their lives. In some cases, people become crippled by their loss, a rudderless ship set adrift on uncharted waters....and they wander. Some families experience a wash of relief, contented to allow their loved ones to pass on from this life...the slow ebbing of a life gently swathing the family in grief.

My mother was a beautiful person. On this Mother's Day, I want to pay tribute to her "humanness", and not the "saintliness" of her. When someone we love dies I think there is a tendency for our minds to shade our memories, leaving only the brightest, sunniest memories of that person - in a word, we sometimes elevate them to a saintly status. What I appreciate about my mother, is not what sets her apart from everyone else, but that which allows me to have a chance to be as good as, as kind as, and as loving as my mother. And I am grateful to her for her flaws, because through her efforts to improve herself she garnered my respect and my admiration. My mother did not aspire to much more than being a good mother and a good person, and beyond that, to know her Savior intimately. So, I give you my Top 25 things about my Mom that made her an extraordinary human being:

25) Mom always spoke with proper diction and animation, often punctuating her statements with hand gestures and facial expressions.

24) Mom was a consummate story teller - I learned to love my ancestors through the stories told at my bedside of girls singing "Oranges, Oranges, Two for a Penny" over the church pulpit; three brothers who shared one pair of shoes because they were too poor to afford any more, taking turns wearing them in to a dance while the other two brothers waited their turn outside; or the drunk Indian who chased a young Minerva in to town on horseback.

23) Mom loved to TALK, often dominating the conversation with captivating stories and ancedotes. She could often be found on the phone talking to family, on the sidewalk chatting with neighbors, and sitting in the lobby at church several minutes after the meetings were over to talk with friends.

22) Mom was an amazing friend - yes, she loved to talk to people, and she could often be found talking to them, but the truth is, they sought her out. People flocked to my mom, sharing their sorrows and burdens with her, and she took some of their pain on herself.

21) Mom loved flowers - she would spend hours beautifying her garden. She took pride in the fact that her lawn was edged, her plots were ordered and weeded, and she designed patches of color-coded and symmetrical flower groupings.

20) Mom loved to fill our home with and expose us to beauty in all of its forms - music, art, drama - and she was gifted at all of them. I remember Mom dragging an unwilling Sara and Matt to a production of the Seattle symphony and driving us every Saturday to the Tacoma Youth Symphony practice so that we could participate with other young musicians. Piano lessons were forced, but in Mom's wisdom she told me I could quit when I was in high school, all the while knowing that I would be good enough at that point that I wouldn't want to quit.

19) Mom didn't let us eat processed foods - partially because she didn't think they were good for us, and partially because it was cheaper to make homemade treats. Warm chocolate chip cookies placed in foil were regular attendees of our lunches - their warm, pliable shapes molded in to and shaped by the foil.

18) Mom made me help her cook dinner, from a young age, almost every night. I used to grudgingly stomp in to the kitchen, angry that my rest time was interrupted. And yet, I can thank my daily cooking "lessons" to my ability to put dinner on the table now, and take risks in the kitchen because I'm confident in my skills.

17) My mom knew how to budget....she cooked healthy meals for six kids every night....we never ate a meal without a vegetable. And to this day, I cannot eat casseroles.

16) Mom was an amazing actress. She had a passion for theater and for drama and when I was young she helped to direct an amazing production of the Music Man in our community. Mom also knew how to do stage makeup and every year us kids had the most intricate, creative, and realistic makeup to accompany our Halloween costumes.

15) My mom had a beautiful singing voice, even if she wouldn't admit it. Mom could hold her own with the classics, but she really let herself "loose" when she sang her favorite, "I Dig Rock 'n' Roll Music" from The Mamas and the Papas.

14) Mom both loved and hated helping with school projects. She was not appreciative that her six children frequently "surprised" her with news that they had a project due on short notice, but her amazing creativity was usually the reason for high grades. Mom essentially helped me win a poster contest about healthy eating with her detailed drawings of fruits and vegetables - I'm still not sure how the judges believed that an 8-year-old had created such a 'masterpiece'.

13) Mom loved her ancestry and she was incredibly proud of the legacy left by her grandmother Minerva Teichert, famed artist. Shortly before her death, Mom had begun to tour throughout the stake giving lectures about her famous grandmother's art, requiring all in attendance to wear a fabulous hat to represent the era in which Minerva lived.

12) My mom loved her babies. She was incredibly gentle and loving with them, often speaking what seemed like a private language with her infants; and they loved her back, lighting up with happiness when they spotted her. "Lovey-dovey-doozy!"

11) Mom was empathetic to a fault, often declining to see a movie she deemed 'sad' as she was loathe to take on the pain of fictional characters, and yet she never shied from assuming that weight with her children or her friends, even perfect strangers. Mom allowed people a respite from their troubles while they spent time in her presence.

10) Mom was extremely proper - my sister and I were not allowed to attend church without wearing nylons, a slip under our skirts, and we were taught to sit with our ankles crossed. We learned table etiquette from an early age and we were expected to open doors for people, express gratitude, and generally conduct ourselves with decorum.

9) My mother was, for the most part, spectacularly unathletic, and yet she was an amazing cheerleader, championing her children from the sidelines with an enthusiasm I imagine was difficult to muster after several soccer games in freezing rain.

8) Mom could tickle the ivories in a way that often made me jealous - she knew how to improvise and could sit downstairs playing the piano and singing - transporting herself to WWII Austria, the beaches of the South Pacific, and the decorated cabins of the Showboat.

7) Mom was fiercely proud of her children, believing more fully than they did in their capability. Mom pushed me to run for ASB President, made posters and banners to advertise my name, helped me write my speech, took me to Kinko's late at night to make campaign handouts, and was the least surprised of any of us when I won.

6) My mom often sacrificed, like most moms, so that her children could have what they needed. And yet she loved to look nice and dress up. I remember on the few occasions that my mom had to truly dress up, like a New Year's Eve dance, she went all out, and she was so incredibly luminous. But I remember my mom's beauty on the days when she wasn't going out, and I found her to be just as beautiful.

5) Mom loved music - I remember as a teenager I was so frustrated that the strains of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir would cajole me awake every Sunday morning; yet I remember thrilling to the pulsing chorus from Handel's Messiah filling our living room every Christmas Eve while we sang along with the words: "Wonderful, Counselor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace."

4) Mom seemed to constantly get called to lead the ward choirs, but she didn't do anything 'half way'. I remember her paying my sister and I to call members of the ward to remind them of choir practice - 5 cents for every phone call. That same choir practice found me at the church building providing babysitting for the children of the parents who were in the choir. I recall playing as the choir accompanist for my mom during high school. And finally, I remember the beauty of her two choirs, one from Puyallup, and one from Federal Way, singing at her funeral.

3) My mom often admitted that all she ever wanted to be was a mother. A year or so after her death, my sister Katie found a single entry written by my mom in a journal - a portent of sorts - in which she wrote that she often worried she would be taken before she was able to raise her children. Mom explained that she was often 'not feeling well' and suspected that she was not meant for this life to any great extent of time, but she prayed frequently that she would be allowed to raise all of her children to the point that the Lord needed her in that role. I have often wondered at those words, and at the wisdom and acceptance my mother had toward God's plan for her.

2) My mom loved the Lord. I recall that she was often the instigator calling the family to family prayer each night, young children gathered in a circle in the hallway. Mom could often be found in her room reading her scriptures, and if you passed her room late in evening she was often kneeling next to her bed speaking with her Heavenly Father. Mom found great satisfaction and fulfillment in teaching seminary and learned to truly love teaching others to spark a passion for scripture reading. Mom knew gratitude and was thankful to the Lord for all that He made possible in her life - she had come to recognize her own weaknesses - and had allowed the Lord's hand to direct her life. I am confident that my mom had a relationship with the Lord to the point that she could call Him "friend".

1) My mom was flawed but she was exceptional.

As for me, I am sad every time I think about her; it burns behind my eyes and constricts my throat, squeezing drops out of the corners of my eyes - it happens without my permission. I miss her every single day, but I am content to know that my mom was a flawed human being just like me, but she was my saint.